86 and Counting!

It's official now - I am full blown 86 Kilo weight dumb headed, fat and obstinate pig. Having checked my weight at the Office gym showing the needle dangerously oscillating between 85 and 87, I felt very depressed to say the least.

It all started in the evening going to have tea with Anup walking beside and casually telling me "kya dude, bahut fat ban rahe ho". Now, had it been say a month back I would have just replied back with a "Chal na yaar..". This wasn't so. It's been only a week since I heard the same comment from none less than Kishor, the guy whom I interact with at least three times a day. I had just laughed it off and made up silly excuse like "Naa..its because of the shirt man". Just to reassure myself I had secretly confided it to Joe and sought a second but firm opinion. He shook his head, smiled a little and said "No dude. Frankly I don't see much change. You are just like before. In fact I don't think you are fat at all, you are just perfect".

Okay, the last sentence I made up. But the point is he totally convinced me and rested my fears of not validating my weight on measuring scale. I also left it at that, until now. Anup told the exact same thing today and Deja Vu. It stuck on me and in full ferociousness I made up my mind to find the truth. It was the most painful thing ever to witness. I am both glad, sad and mad about myself for succumbing to such a gallantly stupid act of seeing the weight.

Oh God! What have I done. Is this what they called 'End Of the Days'? Is the sky really falling on my head? Is 2012 a reality? Am I destined to die Obese? So many thoughts are clinging on my mind. Having been with two roomies who adored daru and dum like their second skin, who gave a rat's ass about their being fat, the determination to limit food or contain health was yanked out of my feet leading to acts of obsessive eating disorder. This is without doubt one of the worst days of my life. Period.

Compounding the problem is my pea sized brain thoughts like "As I am going to Paris, As I am not going to get anything to eat, As I am not going to eat Biryani, Chicken Noodles, Rice, Sambar, As I am not going to have burgers as and when I wish" etc. I have binged non-stop the last week and a half starting from Rajhmundry Biryani, Chicken Curries with full plate rice, Vada, Masala Dosa glistening with Oil, Curd with Sugar - all these and much more are happily settled at both sides of my bulged tummy.

A small confession -

I knew I was 86 much before this day when I had checked my weight at Nikhil's place on December the 10th - Sindu's Wedding day! That's like 17 days ago. Thanks to the morons Hari and Nikhil, who both agreed and reassured me with false statements yet again after checking their individual weights that the machine indeed was showing 2Kg's more. I was actually content being 84, you see.

I vow now to stop eating rice, oily foods and anything that got to do with fat inducing crap. And to Nikhil - "Dude, I definitely am going to keep track of number of days starting this vrath/fast". Watch out!

Practise what you Preach..

Of late I really started enjoying kosmic column of Economic Times. The 5 minutes of reading it puts me into a state of nirvana and I can feel the abundant positive energy flowing within. The column is mainly about 'you' and what 'you' can accomplish. In various ways it stresses the point that one should be in control of themselves, be it emotionally, physically or metaphysicaly. Then there is the fact that one should stop cribbing and start acting. The list goes on.

Apart from all this there is one essential thing that actually hooked me to it was, on one of the days, it explained about the persons who, even after finding the time they need, the resourses they crave for, are not willing to act upon simply because they do not want to. This ,it goes on to reason, is simply because those people actually are clueless when they realise suddenly they are not having anything to blame on. Its like one of those monster.com ads where a chef suddenly finds himself in a barber shop - a complete mismatch of reality and the dream.

Today, I can say I am one such unlucky guy who have succumbed to it. The last few weeks or perhaps months, I have had opportunities in plenty to act up on simple basic rule of reading one hour per day. I didn't. I just whiled away time watching movies, surfing net, reading blogs, what not. On the other hand the amount of advices I give and try to impress upon others like me is nothing short of sermon. I am nothing but a pathetic hypocrite and a loser who does not have any right to judge others until and unless I clean my dirty linen myself.

Until then I will not PREACH while I don't PRACTISE...

Not so happy moments-in memory of my lappie..

When you have the power it shows, When you are happy it shows, When you are sad it shows, but what about when you are really really sad, what then? I am not sure but I just don't know how to show.

Today marks the zenith of depths to my abnormal life. In an utterly bizarre manner I found out that my laptop battery has drained out completely and again it has come to a time where I might have to replace the battery altogether. That would mean shelling out of another 5000 bucks. There are so many things running in my mind and first and foremost thing is "Why me?". Was I duped? Was it how the HP batteries are meant to be. Last exactly a year before it goes pfff. I wouldn't mind using the laptop with the power plugged in. It is just that it starts getting heated up so unbearably hot, one can as well use it fry omelets.

Every thing I have touched upon have turned to dust. Not glorious kinda way but literally my choices of things have started hurting me big time. Right from my annual specs (spent 12k in 4 years), a worthless bike, a wonderful lost camera, a non stop pressure cooker laptop to my worthless job. Yes, I just don't get tired saying it - a worthless job. I guess I can proudly I am one of those wierdos working for a company which pays less than the formal company. What kind of incentive is that?

In all these aspects there is always the longing of better one, never satisfied with the one I have. IF only I could have tested and bought Unicorn, If only I didn't lose my camera, If only I could have regained my specs, If only I could have bought any damn laptop like Dell, Lenovo or anything other than HP, if only I could have stuck a little longer at Satyam, IF...IF..

The only two good remaining assets for me are my two precious hard disks and one lovely pristine IPod running its glorious 4th year. Hope they don't meet any bad fate. Fingers crossed.

Actually Just as I read this , i am feeling good. Some damn post for otherwise useless life with no goddamn goal to look at or the zeal to work at it..Depressing really..Time for DORK.

What's wrong with me?

I guess I am losing it. I couldn't even type my blogsite write for three times straight causing a slight panic attack, wondering if maybe, I mean may-be, I might have accidentally deleted my blog. Luckily I didn't. Just having finished watching one of the best House episodes of all time, I just for the life of me can't understand the way my life is turning out to be.

My addiction to movies is taking such a heavy toll that I am not able to concentrate or give in anything more than 0% to my life's priorities be it my work (the topmost), my aim (MS In US part) or my hobbies. The real ones, the ones that transport me to an imaginary world and make me feel to hug myself with joy. Books and blogs truly have always been my forte, something I did so naturally that I didn't need such rude awakening at times like 3:30 A.M. in the morning! Actually, I am really angry at myself and the only thing I can lay a finger on are movies and nothing but the movies.

Ever since I am done with completing at least 4 of my applications I started falling back on to movies as if the world is going to end if I don't complete my stack of unseen (which by the way are aplenty) movies. This process involves searching my goddamn hard disk, checking for the movies, only realizing that the last downloaded movies were somehow have been just for the record which pissess me off to no end. What do I do? I download the new ones which again are following the same pattern. Adding more heat to my already burnt up backside, I have bought a new hard disk (a real cutie) and every minute from my lappie on time to lappie off time, there are gazillion permutations and combinations of things that my darn mind calculates by itself to get things straightened up.

For staters, should I move the animation ones from old to new? Should I segregate the movies again in the same way as the old pattern? Should I not search each movie from IMDB, get the genres, create the appropriate folder and rearrange? When should I make an inventory of the movies-snapshot, program (exe), manual? How best can I share and achive the glory ("Oh-my-god do you really have all these movies? What are you? Why don't you open a library man?") ? Trust me folks, you find a guy/girl with over 750 gig of movies and stuff, the last thing I mentioned here, goes right in his brain all the time and you just don't know the kicks we get with such awe.

The last question I want throw up to the house - How can some of you guys be so disorganized and stupid to keep dumping the movies in folders and files in whatever shape they are in (American.Beauty.DVDRip.Xvid-Tornado[WT], 17 Again (2009) [DvdRip] [Xvid] {1337x}-Noir- WTH?). Anyways such stupididty puts extra work on me and that little extra means a lot in my mind. Today for instance I got a hard disk from Murali (nikmo's friend) and I spent almost half an hour renaming, reorganizing, rechecking, relabeling and finally dumping onto my hard disk. Not good, not good at all!

Oh God! Someone please help me. Save me from this addiciton, I want my life back. I want some quality time, not some stupid praises. Okay, here is the time the big oath comes out - I on this blog on this very post promise I will not watch any movie till this weekend on my laptop, nor involve myself in downloading or organizing or talking anything about a movie at all! Period.

Phew, That feels good. I hope I succeed. Adios.

A La Maudling in the making eh??

What's wrong with me these days? Why am I expecting abundant sympathy,words of comfort,pat on the back etc. from everyone?

Of course I knew she left because she had some work and for that what do I do? Write a long mail around 4'o clock in the night with overdose of sadness, masala and unnecessary details. It's good she gave a fitting reply. And with that I guess the situation has taken a slight different turn. It's too early to say but for days I saw the signs anyway.

Keeping that apart at the drop of the hat I am ready to cry like a baby babbling out everything and how things are going so bad for me. Mistake after Mistake. It's a bit reminiscent of how Ranjit felt initially in the project and me still managing two projects. But seriously what can I do? With the two options out of the way I might be stuck up in this bloody thing for the next one year to come? ONE DAMN YEAR!!!!!

I gues I have to accept it as is and keep looking for a way out and stick on with it. Here on this day and on this very blogspot I take a vow not to crib again to anyone about anything and "Chillax and get on with my work". Damn..I must have looked like a stalker ready to cry and embrace words of hope with the way I am going about cautiously asking for apology then thanking then again crying, ...phew..let me end this never ending saga now.

In the words of Kurt Cobain " I'd Rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I am not, Wanting to be someone else is a waste of who you are . " - Bloody hell, I am back.

Ahem...Taking back my words from earlier post today I have successfully fixed a horrendous CR that has been literally plaguing me for so many days in fact 3 weeks to be precise and had well threatened my plans for Diwali..

!!!Happy days are ahead!!!

First Project, First..er..Second Impression

Haven't blogged for a month? Pathetic. That's what my state is now : Pathetic. It is not as if this is something new as I have done this quite regularly in the past. But this time it is out of emotional depravity and internal turmoil that has kept me away from blogging.

Came early today to get the e-ISBN done but it just refuses to make itself understood. My incapacity to tackle the problem and get it completed before the D-Day makes me feel terrible and it further bogs me down. It is so frustrating to find yourself helpless to get results not because you haven't tried different ways of tackling the issue but beacause you can't understand it. Added to this is the fact that feelings of Inferiority Complex have accumulated as a bonus. It looks like of all the people from the erstwhile team I am left to lick my own bloody wounds with everyone else in a better position.

Not a day passes without me thinking and recollecting that Terrible day of interview and the events that followed: Huge mail to Julie, 2 Euphoric blogs on this subject,"ippude gantuleyaku inka kotha project etlundo teledu kada" ani adarsh annappudu "edaina gani Usha kanna goramyinidi edi vundadu kada ra " ani nenandam, Talks with Potharaju and his subsequent molifcation, failure to see the simple difference between ASP and ASP.Net, not talking with Shrikanth when Ranjit had approached him. Asalu how did I commit such mistake? I feel as if I have done the biggest mistake of my life.

I have tried to crrect them but it was too late. After hearing so many people telling me so many things and opinions on how to keep cool and go on with life Julie's words stand out " Enjoy your work...Most important".

Well the funny part is my emotions keep on going from one extreme to other in the sense some days it remains light and some other times I just go into real bad depression. Coming to the project, heck I don't think I will ever write anything about this goddamn project and let me keep my blog clean at least..

Another Seldon Crisis?

Am I seeing another Seldong crisis in my life? Where did I land up? How did this happen? Why does it happen to us? (People of Non-Galactic empire enlighten yourself...click here ).

Only few blogs before, none could have been the happiest people but us after finally finding the fruits of labour. Life again has played dirty tricks on us. Just when we were moving out for good from the ever-so-troubling and everlasting, non-ending-teleserial like Dashboard, we are greeted hard pataaaaaaaaaak on our face. How dare we even think of being happy?

Okay, now for the details, it's been two days into the NEW project i.e. SMART project and only yesterday I saw the nuke falling on my head. Day before yesterday I came to know I would be working for SQL end whereas Ranjit was left to understand ASP using VB 6 IDE. He started making scene, the look on his face, the dejection in his voice I thought the only thing that was left was crying. He was desperately looking for release. He wanted none of it.

I tried to reason with him, sat with him understood some part of his project, told him that not everything is outdated and it is similar to .Net and just that some more effort has to be put up. All the while I was thinking what would I have done in his place, thanking myself it is good I won't have to learn outdated ones.

Fast Forwarding a bit more... I didn't have to think because my fate is the same. Well cut_copy_paste Ranjit's feelings - my feelings. My words of comfort were still fresh in my mind. But one thing I couldn't convince him or myself is the fact that there would be no value in the future for the kind of technology we are asked to work on . I mean with VB 6 in my resume how much value would it be? It is as if our careers are ruined and that too early in the life.

I thought my first blog after entering NEW project (how ironic) would be about my team , the new cubicle, my adjustement to shift etc. but never did I think I would be crying like a school kid on being given less marks. Days to come will I truly know how I will come out this crisis...

Costly Dump

For my future reference so as not to make these mistakes again I list out my three "costly" mistakes that I have made...

1. Fateful Triangle By Naom Chomsky



Naom Chomsky is one of the most celebrated and most-hated American for his outright views on the American unjust and ruthless policies. I have read some of his articles and was mighily impressed by his ideas. The entire middle east episode has been such a blur to me, even now I can't understand who started what and how it all began. This is a mammoth book that traces it origins way back to B.C's and starts to explain how all things have started spiralling out of control. But it was only when I bought the book and read the chapters I realized the abundance of material facts in it that are too hard to grasp. For instance, after reading some thirty pages of a particular chapter everything appears to be new again when I take it up for further reading.

The Stats:
Touched the book : 15 times
Read: 4 times
Flipped : 15 times
Read the backcover: - 15 times

Cost: Rs.600/-

Result: Ain't no regrets. Reason: Mummy paid for it :D

2. Bound Together: How Traders, Preachers, Adventurers, and Warriors Shaped Globalization


Written by Indian in a language that is so plebian I grabbed it by the spine and shelled the money across the counter. THE Beginning chapter was the end of my enthu that began right from the time I read the preface and initial few pages.

The Stats:
Touched the book : 5 - 10 times
Read: 1-3 times
Flipped : 3-10 times
Read the backcover: 10 times

Result: Lost 590 bucks. Making not-to-executed-notes on mind to read the book.

3. SONY ...drohi....


Walking back to my home from Jash's place I felt the urgent need to buy the ear phones as fast as possible. After knowing the staggering price of Rs.1600/- for the basic ear phone shipped along with IPod I thought I would settle for SONY. Once inside the Sony World, I browsed through the price tags and I saw the other kind i.e. in-hear headphones with price Rs.1600/- while the Apple's would have costed Rs.2600/-. And the basic ones with a nice hook style ear phones look was Rs.1300/-. With advantage of cheapness, and style in comparison to Apple I settled on 1300 one.

Result:
It doesn't fit properly in the ear. Quality of sound is nowhere , i mean NOWHERE near IPod headphones. Day by day...by day...by day... as I keep listening with those ear phones my tendancy to throw them in the bin as grows. It will be only a matter of time before I buy the 2600/- one.
Now I know why Apple products are worth the cost. It's simple : They ROCK and nothing comes closer.

Well that's all I will be upgrading the pics shortly. From the first two I have come to understand not to dabble in something that wouldn't last for long and which is not of my taste. I just can't read books about management stuff... period. With the last one, take friends along dammit, take someone else with you for purchasing electronic goods. God...you will repent it for long time later with the repurcussions.

Ahem!!!!!!!!!!That ends it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!